Living with a Sexual Condition

When I was in my late teens, I lost my virginity with someone around my age and someone I knew I loved and cared about very much. Its not an experience I regret. It was a magical time for me. I was young and in love. It was also something new and exciting.

I never had intercourse, let alone anything else inserted in me. I was always very shy with any type of insertion. It didnt matter what kind. I never performed masturbation on myself. I didnt understand how poking yourself felt good. To me, it hurt. I hated using tampons as well. All my girl friends would tease me for wearing pads. They would say how Tampons were so much better and how they could go swimming... but when I tried them, it felt as though someone was sticking an empty roll of toilet paper in me... or a sharpie. And I would only try to use the small pocket tampons. I never understood how women could use the cardboard ones, and do it so easily.

It was only after marriage and MANY sexual partners in life that I realized that I had an issue. I went and saw my Gynecologist to get my regular Pap Smear. Nothing extreme... just a normal check up. I dreaded these.... I knew each time it would be painful and I would cry. No other doctor ever said there was something  wrong with me... They would just tell me to relax, this time however...she stopped. She told me that she could not perform the rest of the exam... She said my body was not allowing it and that I would have to come back another time after I had time to calm my body down. I never had a doctor stop an exam before, even if I was in pain. They would go thru it, or make it super fast. She really did not want to hurt me, as a patient I respected that a lot.

She began to ask me questions, like, "Have you ever been raped or molested as a child"... of course the answer was no. "Have you ever had issues with you sexuality"... now... knowing I was bi-curious I told the doctor how I considered myself a bisexual... even though at the time I had never had any sexual experience with a girl. After a couple more questions she told me,

"I think you might have Vaginismus"

WHAT IS THAT????????

I had never heard about this in my life before.

"Vaginismus is a condition where there is involuntary tightness of the vagina during attempted intercourse. The tightness is actually caused by involuntary contractions of the pelvic floor muscles surrounding the vagina. The woman does not directly control or 'will' the tightness to occur; it is an involuntary pelvic response. She may not even have any awareness that the muscle response is causing the tightness or penetration problem."

 http://www.vaginismus.com

When she explained this all to me, everything started to make sense. I enjoyed sex, I loved being sexual, but had a hard time during foreplay and "getting it in", so to speak. It would always hurt. Guys would be like... "let me eat you out to make you wet"... I always thought..."If I am dry now...what makes you think your mouth can do anything"

I always felt as though I was giving up my virginity every time I had sex...

When I finally started to watch the HBO show "True Blood", the character Jessica would always say how she was a reborn virgin every time... Her hymen would break and heal... Thats almost how I feel.

I know... a little corny, but this is how I feel....
It's been about 2 years now since I have found out. I started therapy...
Yes... Therapy for my "Virgine"!!!
I started with a Dilator, and then worked on techniques with my therapist to learn how to calm my body.  
I never knew how stiff I could get. Since then... I started also working with my significant other to become more comfortable with my body. If you have read the other posts, you can tell... Ive become very open.
In fact, exploring my sexuality has helped me a lot. Im more confident, I relax easier, and I am constantly stimulated when sharing my significant other. Maybe this is also why I enjoy sharing him. But no new sexual feelings came from this mind you. I always knew I was bi-curious.....


And No.. this is not a Disease... this is a condition...
Just like if you had a Knee Condition ...i.e. a joint condition...
Or if you had a skin condition...
It's not contagious and I encourage you to read more at the website above.
Especially as a woman.


I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject.